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December 18, 2012
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Wrapped up in the shell
Of himself, he stares
Out the broken window
Pain, observing all the
People as they walk on by.
Each and every one of them
Too afraid to give him much
More than a fleeting glimpse.

For he was an undersireable,
In mitigating circumstances out of
Reach of himself. And any who
Would dare to hear of his story.
A hellion, solicitor, Murderer.
Atheistic lover of the god in himself
Daring to go against the laws
Of tradition. Customs and societal sense.

With a broken body, with eyes
That are alive burning fervent
With a desire to live the life,
Which they've stolen from him
They; naysayers, pharisees,
Hyprocrites. Who'd rather shoot
The one that flew much too
High above the rest, and watch him fall
Sinking to the earth in despair

Than to have him above their heads.
Reminding them that he had more,
Of something they couldn't tell.
Just that he had more than them.
So this is honestly the first thing I have written in months. I started with the first line and just basically ran with that. Hope you like it.
:iconold-scorpio1979:
It's clearly "made in one piece", I love the flow and the grading. The vision is clear and precise, so I'm giving you 5/5. The originality and technique, however, are less impressive - I know there's such a thing as "prosetry", and I believe this is one good exampple of it. Still, I find the verse endings rather random - so 3.5/5 for originality and technique. As for the impact, this unfortunately has a long line of "revolt poetry" behind it and the motif of the special person whom everybody hates has been around since Icarus. I like the strong words and use of epithets, which is going to take this work far. So 4/5 for impact.
What do you think?
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:icondaddysir:
daddysir Jul 1, 2013  Student General Artist
Considering the title, I'm thinking of mankind in and of itself. The believer, the dreamer, the slaver, the hater. So many hypocrisies. Capable of so much horror and lies and so much beauty and truth. I'm not sure what you were thinking as you flowed but it's enough that made it me think.

Technical error. Fleating = Fleeting.
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:iconbellanellamorte:
BellaNellaMorte Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You always feel where I'm coming from hehe, glad it made you think and thanks, technical error corrected!!
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Dec 21, 2012  Professional Writer
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
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